Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is like entering a maze,
With twists and turns and so many ways.
You start by taking the path of low self esteem,
You feel stuck, you feel trapped and caught between-
Wanting to change but not knowing how,
So why even try I might as well give up now.

They tell you to be patient, that the journey is long,
That there’s obstacles and quagmires but you need to stay strong.
Yet they don’t know what it’s like to be on a tight rein,
To live as a pawn in his menacing game.
They start preaching this bullshit to live and let go,
If they knew what I was going through they wouldn’t say so.

As the path continues, the resistance overpowers,
And while they babble on about recovery for hours and hours –
You’re not paying attention to them, you’re listening to him,
‘Ignore what they are saying, don’t let them in’.
Why are they ‘pretending that its not about food-
The hypocrisy is maddening, its so unbelievably rude.’
‘Obviously they restrict and want to be thin, don’t let them brainwash you don’t let them win.’

As the path leads to another, this next one you take,
Is of self -destruction and many mistakes.
You isolate others, you torture your soul,
Because he warned don’t succumb, so you do as your told.
But this part of the maze serves no purpose you need to get out,
You’re claustrophobic you’re frightened but you’re too paralysed to shout.
‘Why even try’ he whispers ‘you’ll obviously fail’
So you continue down this desolate and gloomy trail.

You come to another with brambles and thorns,
Cold and deceiving he continues to warn.
This time however you’ve had enough,
You need to be free of these deadly hand- cuffs
In that swift moment you take a chance,
You snap out of his spell, and away from his trance.
You follow the sign that leads to the light,
You have nothing to lose, its in your sight.
Their voices get louder as they praise your steps,
No looking back now no regrets.

This next path is the hardest, because now you’re aware,
Of his tricks and mind games and evil stare,
How he distorts your reflection and creates a smoke screen,
Alters your reality so its not as it seems.
But you still want to latch on with just a bit of your strength,
Fear wants him to remain just at arms length.
Without him who are you? Who is at your core?
Without him you don’t know, you’re not really sure.

But never the less, you continue to push on ahead,
And swap the path of self loathing to self- discovery instead.
Their words of wisdom begin to sink in and resonate-
You’re worthy, you’re loved, you’re not full of hate.
You deserve to be happy, to spread your wings and fly,
Leave him behind now its time to say goodbye.

You can see the sun shining bright in the sky,
You want more than anything to be able to try.
So you look down at your body and hug it tight,
You tell it you’ll protect it, and treat it right.
You speak to your wellness warrior deep within,
You whisper we got this, we know we can win.
Enthusiastic, you set forth on the road to restoration,
An adventure of freedom and separation,
It’s all about the journey and not the destination.

The Tidal waves of soul searching.

My wounds are healing, my scars are less sore,

I feel like myself every day more and more.

The thrashing waves, and once violent sky,

are calm and peaceful as boats sail on by.

Yet in the blink of an eye the calm sea becomes rough,

The sails are less sturdy, the anchor less tough.

The storm returns with a vengeance; its wrath,

destroying all that lies in its path.

She prays and holds onto her body tight,

she protects it with courage and all of her might.

She reminds herself that she commands her own ship,

she takes back control, she tightens her grip.

The sun through the clouds slowly comes into sight,

The eagle soars as he reaches flight.

 

 

 

Who Am I? The Painful Journey Of Self Love and Acceptance

What is self love? It’s a feeling I lack,

After years of war and facing attack.

This feeling i’m immune to, its foreign and wrong,

This is a feeling for someone brave and strong.

To love oneself should be an unspoken rule,

Yet I have to teach myself how like a child at school.

I tell myself: I’m not perfect I am me and that’s ok,

I’m where I need to be, i’m going my own way.

No one else’s path matters, focus on your own direction,

looking at what others are doing wont bring me affection,

wont make love return; a resurrection.

 

One mind, one body, one spirit, one soul,

With love and acceptance as a guide, a goal.

But a dichotomy lies, a war of the mind,

One born out of hate, the other one kind.

Who wins the battle, who will reign?

Just an innocent by stander in this gnarly game.

Where do you turn, which route do you go?

When one voice cries sabotage yet the other screams no.

Will you wither and die or will you flourish and grow?

This answer is something you really don’t know.

All the while reaching out as this standoff commences,

a battle of two minds deep in the trenches.

Is there a way out will you make the right choice?

In the midst of the chaos can you find your own voice?

The one of love, of guidance not fear,

The one that reminds you softly ‘I am here’.

 

 

 

Love Is A Battle Field…

He pulls away you latch on more,
The unknown is painful your past wounds are sore.

Not knowing if you’re worthy or enough,
The sea is rocky the storm is tough.

In no mans land without a map,

Do you keep trudging forward or do you head back?

This intensity you feel deep down inside,
do you sit with it,embrace it or run for cover and hide?

Those deep brown eyes that see into my soul,
That warm embrace that makes me feel whole,

Am I holding onto a rose that can’t be revived?
Do I power through this storm hoping it will subside?

Is what he feels for me the same as what I feel for him?
Standing on the edge but too nervous to swim.
Hostile freezing waters what lies within?

Is it time to cut the anchor, to break away from the chain?
That is strangling and shackling, my strength I need to regain.

My inner power is screaming, desperate for release,
The sea ready to swallow me, ready for my decease.

Do I sink or swim, do I fight or fly?
Will my power save me or will my fear let me die?

But the moment I hear his voice that strength becomes weak,
In that second he opens his mouth to speak.

He holds my hands, looks into my heart, all my intentions, my promises break apart.

Navigating no mans land I continue to roam, trying to find my map to lead me home.

Brief Encounters….

He came into my life like a shining light,

Illuminating the sky in the depths of night.

An angel so pure he flew into my sight,

Lit up the universe, with an energy bright.

A beautiful star that healed my core,

He soothed my wounds like no other before.

A gentle aura, the softest soul,

My broken heart was immediately whole.

His touch electrifying, fireworks when we kissed,

Gone yet never forgotten, but will always be missed.

His eyes the ocean, where I could swim and dive,

His skin the softest sand, making my body alive.

The perfect puzzle, our pieces fit together,

But perhaps nothing pure can last forever.

An enchanted forest, a mystical path,

Our adventure together, I’ll never look back.

A lonesome traveller, his time had arrived,

To take to his trail and leave my side.

An eagle he prepared to spread his wings,

To see whatever his future brings.

I stare at the sea wondering where he is now,

Or if our time together could have been different somehow,

They say its darkest before the dawn,

A dark thundery sky before a clear blue morn.

I think of him fondly, hope our paths cross one day,

And that cemented in my tapestry forever he’ll stay.

I Crumble For Ya: Interview with Start-up Sensation Olivia Wollenberg of Livia’s Crumble

 Founder of Livia’s Kitchen 26 year old Olivia Wollenberg, has made life a little sweeter with her hip and certainly healthy range of sugar free, wheat free crumbles. Recently named by Elle Magazine as one of 30 most influential game changers under 30, we caught up with the entrepreneur to find out a little more about her inspirations, and what’s in store for the future.
What is your favourite go to ingredient when baking or cooking?
This is a tough question as there are a few ingredients I could just not live without, but if I had to choose one I think it would be oats- they are such an amazing ingredient for both taste and nutritional values.

Where did the idea for your crumbles come from?  Why crumbles and not another dessert?

Crumbles had always been one of my favourite desserts, so when I was diagnosed with many intolerances at the beginning of last year I started searching online for recipes that would allow me to recreate the dessert I had always loved whilst fitting with my new way of eating. After a few experiments, I served up a crumble for my family and friends, and they all said it was one of the best crumbles they had ever had, which showed me that desserts really can be made in a better and healthier way without having to compromise on taste.

I decided to stick with crumbles for my first project, as they are a widely popular dessert and so traditionally British. Everyone loves an apple crumble, and mine is just that with a little nutritional twist!

It was important to me to create something delicious and indulgent and crumbles allowed me to do just that! What is also so special about the crumbles is that they make the perfect breakfast as well as dessert. Since they are just simply made with fresh fruit and a granola type topping, they are a brilliant morning option, and I loved this aspect of them.
What is your favourite superfood?
My favourite superfood would probably have to be maca. I love the caramel flavour of it and it just goes so well in so many recipes.

Favourite healthy cafe in London?

I like the good life eatery and ethos if I’m looking for something savoury!

What is your favourite workout?

I really enjoy classes that are quite high intensity and make you work up sweat! Two of my favourites at the moment are Psycle and body combat.

How do you find balance in stressful day-to-day life?

I think one thing that I have learnt in the year since starting up Livia’s Kitchen is how important it is to take time out. When you are running a start-up company there is always so much going on and keeping on top of it all can be really tiring! To find balance amongst this I like to ensure that every day I have a least an hour or two where I just switch off and focus on something other than the business. Sometimes I do this by going to an exercise class or going for dinner with my friends. What has helped me so much in finding this balance is having employed two girls who work full-time for me now and have become an integral part of the team. They are so dedicated and have taken huge amounts of pressure of me. Although my working hours are still crazy, the days never seem quite as manic since having them around.

Who is your fitsperation?

Gosh, I don’t actually think I have one. I don’t like to compare my body or health to anyone else’s. I think comparisons can be dangerous and so I don’t actually look up to anyone in terms of fitness. I know what works for my body and I strive to ensure I always push myself to feel my best, not to conform to someone else or the ‘perfect’ body

Do you feel pressure from society to look a certain way being in the health industry? 

I can see that this could definitely be an issue that may affect those who work in the industry or who are aspiring to do so, especially with the prevalence of it now on social media! For me, having felt so ill for so long, the way I feel within myself remains the most important thing; it is on this, that I tend to judge my wellbeing as opposed to achieving a certain image. I think it is vital to listen to your body and exercise and eat in a way that suits you and makes you feel your best and not to give in to any sort of pressure to be or look a certain way. The message that I and many of my friends in the industry are hopefully spreading is that what is important is to be STRONG NOT SKINNY. I have always had a very healthy appetite and although my jeans sometimes feel a little tighter than I would like, I don’t ever concern myself with negative feelings about it. I know I eat well, and enjoy my food enormously and so I wouldn’t change how I look. We all know how much I love something sweet, and if that means I am not stick thin then that is absolutely okay with me!
What’s your favourite snack other than crumble?

A lot of baking goes on in my house as we are always experimenting with recipes for the blog, so there tends to always be some sort of sweet treat lying around! I have at least a bite of something sweet and delicious each day (usually a little more than just a bite). My favourite at the moment is my carrot cake that I can’t get enough of. I love making that recipe into cupcakes too for a smaller bite!
What is your favourite crumble flavour?

This changes a lot and depends on the time of the day too! If it is for breakfast then I tend to go for banana or berry but apple is probably my all-time favourite, I just can’t get enough of the maca.

Who is your role model?

Cliché as it may sound; my role models are my mum and dad. My mum had devoted her life to looking after my sisters and I and is the most generous, determined and kindest woman I know. Her ability to cope with whatever life throws at her has really helped me to remain calm and work through any obstacles that come my way. My dad founded his own company and it is his passion for business and amazing way of approaching it that inspired me to take a similar path- his support has been infinitely helpful in getting me to where I am now.

Favourite nut butter?

Almond butter is definitely my favourite, although, I have been using hazelnut butter in a couple of recipes recently and with some cacao it is just amazing! Nut butters are just so great to use in baking.

How does it feel to be named by ELLE as one of the 30 most influential women under 30?

It is such a huge honour and I honestly can’t quite believe it! It is less than a year since I started trading so to be considered one of the most influential women under 30 by one of the most reputable magazines is just crazy to me. It just really goes to show that hard work pays off.

Words of advice for entrepreneurs who want to start their own company in the health industry?
I think some general advice I would give to people starting up a company is learning the art of delegation! It is so important to be able to share the work- load in order to give the best of yourself to everything you do and to still have time to socialise and switch off. It is so easy when you are building a company that you are passionate about, to get so absorbed by it that you end up run down and exhausted. As well as the art of delegation, I think it is vital to be able to be able to learn quickly from mistakes made, and recognise that it is normal for bumps in the road to occur. It is inevitable that things will go wrong and you will face various hurdles. The important thing is not to be disheartened by this but rather being able bounce back stronger and better.
What’s next for Livias kitchen?

There are so many things in store for Livia’s Kitchen! I am currently working on a new range of products, which I hope to have in shops later this year. I would also absolutely love to get my crumbles and any future products into some larger retailers in the next few months so that I can spread the love for healthy desserts nationwide and, fingers crossed, one day extend this to worldwide. We are also working on a YouTube channel at the moment to show everyone some more of what is going on behind the scenes as well as of course some recipe videos.