Love Is A Battle Field…

img_1840He pulls away you latch on more,
The unknown is painful your past wounds are sore.

Not knowing if you’re worthy or enough,
The sea is rocky the storm is tough.

In no mans land without a map,

Do you keep trudging forward or do you head back?

This intensity you feel deep down inside,
do you sit with it,embrace it or run for cover and hide?

Those deep brown eyes that see into my soul,
That warm embrace that makes me feel whole,

Am I holding onto a rose that can’t be revived?
Do I power through this storm hoping it will subside?

Is what he feels for me the same as what I feel for him?
Standing on the edge but too nervous to swim.
Hostile freezing waters what lies within?

Is it time to cut the anchor, to break away from the chain?
That is strangling and shackling, my strength I need to regain.

My inner power is screaming, desperate for release,
The sea ready to swallow me, ready for my decease.

Do I sink or swim, do I fight or fly?
Will my power save me or will my fear let me die?

But the moment I hear his voice that strength becomes weak,
In that second he opens his mouth to speak.

He holds my hands, looks into my heart, all my intentions, my promises break apart.

Navigating no mans land I continue to roam, trying to find my map to lead me home.

Advertisements

SOUL SEARCHING… FINDING HOPE IN THE DARKNESS

When you’re afraid of the dark its hard to be brave,

Hard to see life when digging you’re own grave.

in the depths of darkness,fear and despair,

its hard to remind yourself that you are there.

She feels she’s the monster that everyone fears,

she’s the reason for everyone’s tears.

In order to make a change you have to want to try,

But how do you resuscitate a rose, that’s  beginning to die.

The map is torn into a million parts,

She has no clear direction, or path to start.

Yet creativity can thrive in the darkest of places,

Flowers survive in the muddiest spaces.

Deep in the earth a light shines bright,

hope is living no matter how slight.

In the flash of a second your perspective can change,

All your thoughts can rearrange.

The hole she was digging was not a grave after all,

she plants a new seed in the ground so her flower grows tall.

Choosing the right path after university…..

It is June, dissertations have been handed in, exams are now over and the time has come to start packing up and leaving university life behind. The feeling is bittersweet. On one hand we are now uninhibited by the shackles of endless work, and gone are the days of existing on pot noodle alone. Yet the thought of saying goodbye to new friends, freedom from parents and 3 years of solid partying is going to be hard to leave behind.

So what now? We all ask ourselves, what am I going to do with my life? These are the initial thoughts that circulate as our parents and their friends inquire about our next move. Well I have learned that the key is not to panic, or feel ashamed that you don’t have all your ducks in a row, and just because Jo Bloggs is doing a masters in Journalism, and Jane from next door is going to Law school does not mean that you need to have it all figured out right away… I didn’t!

After leaving university at 21 years old, you are not supposed to know who you are yet, this is the period to discover what turns you on, what you are good at, and who you want to be. The one thing I have learned is that time is on your side. You are about to enter the next phase of your life, so don’t get stressed about it, it is exciting! This interim period is your free pass to do whatever it is you want before you have to join that rat race, start paying off your loan and becoming an adult with 20 days of free time a year. Why rush? Take an internship, go travelling, these experiences are what shape you and help you to realise your aims and goals.

My father told me that life is all about roads and avenues, life is about taking the path even if you are not sure of where it leads, but you may find yourself on an adventure that you never imagined you would take. This is what I did and I never looked back.

After graduating from the University of Nottingham with a degree in history of art, they asked ‘ooh what do you want to do with that then?… do you want to teach?… work in an art gallery?’ and I did not have an answer, because the truth was that I myself did not know what I wanted to do, or even who I was. All I knew was that I had a thirst to explore and learn what it meant to really challenge myself somewhere outside of my comfort zone.

So, I found a month long internship programme that was based in Shanghai and decided to apply. While all my friends were planning their summer holidays, and 21st birthday parties, I suddenly felt nervous, what was I doing leaving all my friends to go work half way across the world? But my dad reassured me, that it was just one month, and even if I did not enjoy it, after it was over I would come back to my friends. So I listened to his advice and off I went. I had never been to China but this was exactly what I was looking for, somewhere where no one knew me, that I could thrive, be myself and really experience a brand new city and culture.

From day one, something clicked and my world suddenly fell into place, I felt truly alive for the first time in my life. The energy of the city and the people were just incredible, and I truly burst out of my shell and found myself. After the month ended, I knew that I could not possibly leave this new exhilarating world. I got a job working for the biggest English lifestyle and entertainment magazine in China, called ‘City Weekend’, and it was there I realised my passions, my strengths and talents and what I wanted to do. I began writing online blogs for their website, and recognized that being an editor is a dream that I needed to pursue. Since then I have been in Shanghai living this dream. My dad was right, if I had not listened to his advice, I would have stayed at home in my comfort zone where it was easy.

Life is a rich tapestry woven together by the choices we make, the roads we take and the challenges we face. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I graduated, but by taking a new path it helped me to discover what I was searching for.

So my advice would be don’t panic that you do not have a plan, even if the road you are on now may seem winding with no clear direction, just remember that you choose where you want to go. Try something different, make targets of what you want to achieve and how you are going to do it. Now is the time to discover your dreams, all it takes is one step, and everything else will fall into place. Take that path, because you never know where it might lead, but you may end up one step closer to realising your goals. Good Luck and remember time is on your side.

Butterfly Mornings…

IMG_0522IMG_0292IMG_0354

When you wake up to nature’s alarm of tweeting birds and  sunlight beaming through your bedroom window, that is a butterfly morning;  a day with promise in the air, one that makes you want to do something worthwhile, be someone, make yourself proud of the achievements you have accomplished,  and giving you a yearning to achieve more………. that is a butterfly morning.

I have had my fair share of these great mornings, and when I think back to a time when I  truly started to experience this, it would most definitely be during my time living in China.

Arriving in Shanghai for the first time was the beginning of my butterfly morning adventures. Waking up was exciting, I had a thirst for life and the possibilities that every day could bring. Strolling down the street watching passers by, grandparents walking their grandchild to school, local street sellers setting up their stalls, fighting for a taxi and even the strange smells of chinese food wafting in the air made me smile. That is a feeling I long for again and one that I will never forget. Pure happiness and enjoyment in being alive.

A city full of energy where everyone is there for a purpose, to be the best that they can, living each day to its fullest that is Shanghai. Everyone you meet has a smile on their face, wants to talk to you, know your story and share their experiences of life in the magic city so far. Shanghai is most definitely a bubble, it’s its own world sort of detached from reality, When i stepped off the plane I felt like Dorothy stepping  through the gates into Emerald City. I suddenly knew I was meant to be someone, I was meant to leave my mark on this world, be memorable.

Life is a strange thing, everyone gets up in the morning, has a direction, a path that they are on, but so often we forget to stop and appreciate what is going on around us. Moving to London, I have myself got caught up in the rat race of life. Getting onto the tube every day I look round and notice that no one is talking, no one acknowledges each other, people are tired and dreading the day ahead, counting down the minutes till they can get back on the train for their journey home. We all breathe the same air, walk the same streets, live on the same planet, yet seldom do we stop and give each other the time of day. However, the mentality of an expat is completely different, and this is what I found so refreshing living abroad. You become part of a strong tight knit community, with a common thread. Being a ‘laowai’ (alien) in a foreign land, immediately strong bonds are made that are hard to break. You respect people for who they are inside, and find yourself becoming friends with people you potentially never would have done, back home. You become a better version of yourself. My Butterfly mornings turned into wildflower afternoons! For the first time in my life I was comfortable in my own skin.

I definitely left my heart in Shanghai, and somehow feel that I have unfinished business with the crazy city that changed my life. Untill I go back, I dont think ill feel whole again.