An Ode To My Body

In times of need in my darkest hour,
A unit, an energy, a source of power.
To realizing in this moment that I am enough,
Even when it seems impossible or tough.

Offering kindness and love to fill my gaping hole,
My ally, home, protector of my soul.
You love me when I don’t know how,
When I can’t face my fears, or focus on the now.

The path was winding it was dark and long,
I doubted my decisions, my map was wrong.
I couldn’t choose a direction, or trust which way to go,
I yearned for your guidance and knowledge to know.
You reached out your hand through the storm and rain,
made me feel safe and soothed my pain.

You are the sun through the clouds, a blanket of protection,
When I can’t give it to myself you give me affection.
You are a butterfly morning and a wildflower afternoon,
The twinkling North star, and a radiant full moon.

I know I am the commander of my own ship,
but when I’ve hit a rock you give me the tip,
To meandering the stormy seas and sailing to shore,
to leading myself to safety so I am broken no more.

A cocoon of safety where I can turn the key,
Your nurture allowed me to feel finally free.

They say it’s darkest before the dawn,
A hostile night sky before a clear blue morn.

When I’m at the bottom of the pit and there’s no way out,
you’re soothing whisper drowns those shouts.
You pass me the water that fizzles the fire,
Your detailed map leads me out of the quagmire.

Through the trenches & minefields, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned,
That out of the rabbit hole hope always returns.

I’ll steer my ship no matter how strong the storm,
Fear tried to freeze my heart but it will always be warm.
It tried to sink me to the bottom of the sea,

But no one can take me away from me.

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Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is like entering a maze,
With twists and turns and so many ways.
You start by taking the path of low self esteem,
You feel stuck, you feel trapped and caught between-
Wanting to change but not knowing how,
So why even try I might as well give up now.

They tell you to be patient, that the journey is long,
That there’s obstacles and quagmires but you need to stay strong.
Yet they don’t know what it’s like to be on a tight rein,
To live as a pawn in his menacing game.
They start preaching this bullshit to live and let go,
If they knew what I was going through they wouldn’t say so.

As the path continues, the resistance overpowers,
And while they babble on about recovery for hours and hours –
You’re not paying attention to them, you’re listening to him,
‘Ignore what they are saying, don’t let them in’.
Why are they ‘pretending that its not about food-
The hypocrisy is maddening, its so unbelievably rude.’
‘Obviously they restrict and want to be thin,
don’t let them brainwash you don’t let them win.’

As the path leads to another, this next one you take,
Is of self -destruction and many mistakes.
You isolate others, you torture your soul,
Because he warned don’t succumb, so you do as your told.
But this part of the maze serves no purpose you need to get out,
You’re claustrophobic you’re frightened but you’re too paralysed to shout.
‘Why even try’ he whispers ‘you’ll obviously fail’
So you continue down this desolate and gloomy trail.

You come to another with brambles and thorns,
Cold and deceiving he continues to warn.
This time however you’ve had enough,
You need to be free of these deadly hand- cuffs
In that swift moment you take a chance,
You snap out of his spell, and away from his trance.
You follow the sign that leads to the light,
You have nothing to lose, its in your sight.
Their voices get louder as they praise your steps,
No looking back now no regrets.

This next path is the hardest, because now you’re aware,
Of his tricks and mind games and evil stare,
How he distorts your reflection and creates a smoke screen,
Alters your reality so its not as it seems.
But you still want to latch on with just a bit of your strength,
Fear wants him to remain just at arms length.
Without him who are you? Who is at your core?
Without him you don’t know, you’re not really sure.

But never the less, you continue to push on ahead,
And swap the path of self loathing to self- discovery instead.
Their words of wisdom begin to sink in and resonate-
You’re worthy, you’re loved, you’
re not full of hate.
You deserve to be happy, to spread your wings and fly,
Leave him behind now its time to say goodbye.

You can see the sun shining bright in the sky,
You want more than anything to be able to try.
So you look down at your body and hug it tight,
You tell it you’ll protect it, and treat it right.
You speak to your wellness warrior deep within,
You whisper we got this, we know we can win.
Enthusiastic, you set forth on the road to restoration,
An adventure of freedom and separation,
It’s all about the journey and not the destination.

The Tidal waves of soul searching.

My wounds are healing, my scars are less sore,

I feel like myself every day more and more.

The thrashing waves, and once violent sky,

are calm and peaceful as boats sail on by.

Yet in the blink of an eye the calm sea becomes rough,

The sails are less sturdy, the anchor less tough.

The storm returns with a vengeance; its wrath,

destroying all that lies in its path.

She prays and holds onto her body tight,

she protects it with courage and all of her might.

She reminds herself that she commands her own ship,

she takes back control, she tightens her grip.

The sun through the clouds slowly comes into sight,

The eagle soars as he reaches flight.

 

 

 

Who Am I? The Painful Journey Of Self Love and Acceptance

What is self love? It’s a feeling I lack,

After years of war and facing attack.

This feeling i’m immune to, its foreign and wrong,

This is a feeling for someone brave and strong.

To love oneself should be an unspoken rule,

Yet I have to teach myself how like a child at school.

I tell myself: I’m not perfect I am me and that’s ok,

I’m where I need to be, i’m going my own way.

No one else’s path matters, focus on your own direction,

looking at what others are doing wont bring me affection,

wont make love return; a resurrection.

 

One mind, one body, one spirit, one soul,

With love and acceptance as a guide, a goal.

But a dichotomy lies, a war of the mind,

One born out of hate, the other one kind.

Who wins the battle, who will reign?

Just an innocent by stander in this gnarly game.

Where do you turn, which route do you go?

When one voice cries sabotage yet the other screams no.

Will you wither and die or will you flourish and grow?

This answer is something you really don’t know.

All the while reaching out as this standoff commences,

a battle of two minds deep in the trenches.

Is there a way out will you make the right choice?

In the midst of the chaos can you find your own voice?

The one of love, of guidance not fear,

The one that reminds you softly ‘I am here’.

 

 

 

Love Is A Battle Field…

img_1840He pulls away you latch on more,
The unknown is painful your past wounds are sore.

Not knowing if you’re worthy or enough,
The sea is rocky the storm is tough.

In no mans land without a map,

Do you keep trudging forward or do you head back?

This intensity you feel deep down inside,
do you sit with it,embrace it or run for cover and hide?

Those deep brown eyes that see into my soul,
That warm embrace that makes me feel whole,

Am I holding onto a rose that can’t be revived?
Do I power through this storm hoping it will subside?

Is what he feels for me the same as what I feel for him?
Standing on the edge but too nervous to swim.
Hostile freezing waters what lies within?

Is it time to cut the anchor, to break away from the chain?
That is strangling and shackling, my strength I need to regain.

My inner power is screaming, desperate for release,
The sea ready to swallow me, ready for my decease.

Do I sink or swim, do I fight or fly?
Will my power save me or will my fear let me die?

But the moment I hear his voice that strength becomes weak,
In that second he opens his mouth to speak.

He holds my hands, looks into my heart, all my intentions, my promises break apart.

Navigating no mans land I continue to roam, trying to find my map to lead me home.

Brief Encounters….

He came into my life like a shining light,

Illuminating the sky in the depths of night.

An angel so pure he flew into my sight,

Lit up the universe, with an energy bright.

A beautiful star that healed my core,

He soothed my wounds like no other before.

A gentle aura, the softest soul,

My broken heart was immediately whole.

His touch electrifying, fireworks when we kissed,

Gone yet never forgotten, but will always be missed.

His eyes the ocean, where I could swim and dive,

His skin the softest sand, making my body alive.

The perfect puzzle, our pieces fit together,

But perhaps nothing pure can last forever.

An enchanted forest, a mystical path,

Our adventure together, I’ll never look back.

A lonesome traveller, his time had arrived,

To take to his trail and leave my side.

An eagle he prepared to spread his wings,

To see whatever his future brings.

I stare at the sea wondering where he is now,

Or if our time together could have been different somehow,

They say its darkest before the dawn,

A dark thundery sky before a clear blue morn.

I think of him fondly, hope our paths cross one day,

And that cemented in my tapestry forever he’ll stay.

Letting Go Of Thoughts…. The Art Of Mindfulness

A penny for my thoughts….

Just as clouds glide in and amongst the constant sky, our thoughts come and go from our minds. Our thoughts are what we are thinking at a certain moment, so why is it often so hard to just accept and acknowledge them? why can we not let them pass without becoming consumed and overwhelmed? As a train arrives and shortly leaves from a station, to be replaced by another one our many thoughts appear and then disappear. Yet as a train breaks down and becomes stuck, often we let our thoughts become trapped in the passageways of our minds, ruminating and brewing to boiling point until we have catastrophized a situation so much, that it takes over every cell, controls every feeling and often paralyses us with such overpowering emotions.

Mindfulness allows us to become aware of these thoughts, enabling us to accept and analyse where they have come from,  so we don’t internalise them in a harmful way. It is interesting yet saddening to notice that, often  as an insect that crawls into the tiniest of spaces, That harsh voice sneaks its way into in our mind, blurring our judgement so that we may see thoughts as if they are facts. For example: “I am a failure”, “I am not worthy” or it takes a situation, blows it way out of proportion and condenses into a belief; “I did this so that must mean I am a horrible person”. In this way, these heartbreaking core beliefs that we have led ourselves to see as cold hard facts, can be thoughts that have manifested negatively over time. When we start to pay attention to our thoughts, in a gentle way, we can use mindfulness to think about the way we are thinking, so that slowly we become unconsciously able to allow them to be without using them as ammunition to wound ourselves.

I am seldom able to watch my thoughts wander ‘lonely as a cloud’. Instead I stew in a thought which in a flash creates a feeling, that in turn leads to a behaviour, that develops physical sensations. Suddenly before I know it I am waking up from a powerless trance having self harmed because I wasn’t able to let the thought gently float away like a lily downstream. A gnarly weed has now grown from the murky water, latching itself onto the side of the bank, creating a sticky quagmire. The key to resulting in a different outcome would have been to notice the thought, be aware of its presence, but allow it to delicately slip away, and be joined by something new.

Life is a rich tapestry, woven together by the roads we take, the choices we make, and the challenges we face. The magic in these threads, is that they can be undone, allowing a second chance to create a new pattern, and a new work of art. I believe that with every outcome a lesson can be learned, and with every thought, is a new possibility. I am in the process of weaving new threads, and carving a beautiful new path.

One of my favourite poems by William Wordsworth. For me the daffodils in the poem emanate hope and represent my wellness.

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o’er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

 Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced;

but they Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed–and gazed–but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood,

 They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.