Recovery- Trying To Navigate Your Way Through The Maze

Recovering from an eating disorder is like entering a maze,
with twists and turns and so many ways.
You start by taking the path of low self esteem,
you feel stuck, you feel trapped and caught between-
wanting to change but not knowing how,
so why even try I might as well give up now.
 They tell you to be patient, that the journey is long,
that there’s obstacles and quagmires but you need to stay strong.
Yet they don’t know what its like to be on a tight reign,
to live as a pawn in his menacing game.
They start preaching this bullshit to live and let go,
if they knew what I was going through they wouldn’t say so.

As the path continues, the resistance overpowers,
and while they babble on about recovery for hours and hours –
you’re not paying attention to them, you’re listening to him,
‘ignore what they are saying, don’t let them in’.
Why are they ‘pretending that its not about food-
the hypocrisy is maddening, its so unbelievably rude.’
‘Obviously they restrict he says with a grin, don’t let them brainwash you don’t let them win.’

As the path leads to another, this next one you take,
is of self -destruction and many mistakes.
You isolate others, you torture your soul,
Because he warned don’t succumb, so you do as your told.
But this part of the maze serves no purpose you need to get out,
You’re claustrophobic you’re frightened but you’re too paralysed to shout.
‘Why even try’ he whispers ‘you’ll obviously fail’
So you continue down this desolate and gloomy trail.

You come to another with brambles and thorns,
Cold and deceiving he continues to warn.
This time however you’ve had enough,
You need to be free of these deadly hand- cuffs
In that swift moment you take a chance,
You snap out of his spell, and away from his trance.
You follow the sign that leads to the light,
You have nothing to lose, its in your sight.
Their voices get louder as they praise your steps,
No looking back now no regrets.

This next path is the hardest, because now youre aware,
of his tricks and mind games and evil stare,
how he distorts your reflection and creates a smoke screen,
alters your reality so its not as it seems.
But you still want to latch on with just a bit of your strength,
Fear wants him to remain just at arms length.
Without him who are you? Who is at your core?
Without him you don’t know, youre not really sure.

But never the less, you continue to push on ahead,
And swap the path of self loathing to self- discovery instead.
Their words of wisdom begin to sink in and resonate-
you’re worthy, youre loved, youre not full of hate.
You deserve to be happy, to spread your wings and fly,
Leave him behind now its time to say goodbye.

You can see the sun shining bright in the sky,
you want more than anything to be able to try.
so you look down at your body and hug it tight,
You tell it you’ll protect it, and treat it right.
You speak to your wellness warrior deep within,
You whisper we got this, we know we can win.
Enthusiastically you set forth on the road to restoration,
An adventure of freedom and separation,
Its all about the journey and not the destination.

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The Adventure Of A Lifetime

We packed our bags, ready to go,
What this trip would hold for us we didn’t yet know.
Three friends, three allies with adventure our aim,
A triangle, so strong it would always remain.

Her dazzling eyes as deep as the ocean,
Bursting with love, compassion, friendship, emotion.
She had a strength deep inside of which she wasn’t aware,
A striking goddess, that made others stare.
A radiant crescent moon, she couldn’t see her own light,
illuminating the sky in the depths of night.
Her own heartbreak had knocked her down for sure,
As she scooped broken pieces off her bedroom floor.
This trip was a chance to put those pieces together,
To regain her freedom and fly like her feather.

The sweetest nature, and such a pure heart,
I couldn’t fathom ever being apart.
Always rooting for each other and watching us grow,
I felt more worthy and loved than I could ever know.
Her gentle aura made me feel safe and accepted,
Forever a part of me, forever connected.
Always making me laugh and totally in awe-
Of her inner beauty, calm nature and happiness so pure.
We were always close, but now our bond cemented.
Like a fresh watered flower, I was resurrected.

Azure blue waters and the softest white sand,
Gazing into the sunset hand in hand.
As the sky exploded from bright orange to pinks,
With our san migel lights and pineapple drinks.
Rasta music played and we smiled to each other,
We all felt the same in that moment together.

A trip so special, like none other before,
Our past scars now healed, our wounds were less sore.
I yearned to capture this for eternity,
Our own special moment, Chazzle Schneids and me.
The kindest hearts with the softest souls,
A blessing, they truly made me feel whole.

They breathed life into me- I felt inspired and free,
On our hilarious adventures on scooter and sea.
My inspirations, my rocks, they helped me steer my own ship.
Sailing alongside me, with the wheel at my grip.
My mind became quiet, my spirit at ease,
My wellness bird soaring in that tropical breeze.

Crescent Moon

As the wolf’s glistening eyes stare menacingly at the sky,

I’ve got nowhere to hide now, it’ my time to die.

No sign of the north star, no shining glimpse of light,

He’s got me in his radar, he’s got me in his sight.

Happiness and hope are distant memoirs it seems,

Smiles are something from my past, conjured up in dreams.

As the majestic moon wains, so does my heart,

Only the dark remains, that the wolf has torn apart.

My gaping wound exposed, I lay for dead on the floor,

Throbbing and unconscious, my soul and heart are sore.

A fledgling bird my wings are chipped, i’m flapping on the ground,

But when I try to squeal or cry I cannot make a sound.

No one to call or turn to to clean my battle scars,

Just like the lonely crescent moon, without its twinkling stars.

The Journey

When you’re met by a crossroads which path is right?

When you can’t see morning in the dead of night,

When storm clouds suffocate the sun’s powerful light.

Your feet are frozen, glued to the ground,

Your mouth is wired shut and won’t make a sound,

Your heart is a snare drum that begins to pound.

It seems easier now to turn around.

                                        To run away, follow that voice and go,

Back in the only direction you know.

Because to take a leap of faith into the unknown,

Through the poison ivy and thorns overgrown,

Seems an unthinkable task, an impossible feat,

All you know now is how to retreat.

As the rain is pounding and smudging your map,

That voice reappears and commands you go back.

But as the suns rays emerge and a rainbow illuminates the sky,

The pot of gold glistens, and you decide to try.

You drop the map, you don’t need it now,

You have the tools, your intuition will allow.

Because it doesn’ t matter which path you take,

There’s no wrong turn, there’s no mistake.

With one foot in front of the other you march on ahead,

Jump over the hurdles, wade through that river bed.

Steer yourself through the forest, and let those nettles sting,

Roll in the poison ivy, let your adventure begin.

Butterflies flutter and a feather floats into your hand,

She’s made it through the quagmire and onto dry land.

The Tidal waves of soul searching.

My wounds are healing, my scars are less sore,

I feel like myself every day more and more.

The thrashing waves, and once violent sky,

are calm and peaceful as boats sail on by.

Yet in the blink of an eye the calm sea becomes rough,

The sails are less sturdy, the anchor less tough.

The storm returns with a vengeance; its wrath,

destroying all that lies in its path.

She prays and holds onto her body tight,

she protects it with courage and all of her might.

She reminds herself that she commands her own ship,

she takes back control, she tightens her grip.

The sun through the clouds slowly comes into sight,

The eagle soars as he reaches flight.

 

 

 

Who Am I? The Painful Journey Of Self Love and Acceptance

What is self love? It’s a feeling I lack,

After years of war and facing attack.

This feeling i’m immune to, its foreign and wrong,

This is a feeling for someone brave and strong.

To love oneself should be an unspoken rule,

Yet I have to teach myself how like a child at school.

I tell myself: I’m not perfect I am me and that’s ok,

I’m where I need to be, i’m going my own way.

No one else’s path matters, focus on your own direction,

looking at what others are doing wont bring me affection,

wont make love return; a resurrection.

 

One mind, one body, one spirit, one soul,

With love and acceptance as a guide, a goal.

But a dichotomy lies, a war of the mind,

One born out of hate, the other one kind.

Who wins the battle, who will reign?

Just an innocent by stander in this gnarly game.

Where do you turn, which route do you go?

When one voice cries sabotage yet the other screams no.

Will you wither and die or will you flourish and grow?

This answer is something you really don’t know.

All the while reaching out as this standoff commences,

a battle of two minds deep in the trenches.

Is there a way out will you make the right choice?

In the midst of the chaos can you find your own voice?

The one of love, of guidance not fear,

The one that reminds you softly ‘I am here’.

 

 

 

Love Is A Battle Field…

img_1840He pulls away you latch on more,
The unknown is painful your past wounds are sore.

Not knowing if you’re worthy or enough,
The sea is rocky the storm is tough.

In no mans land without a map,

Do you keep trudging forward or do you head back?

This intensity you feel deep down inside,
do you sit with it,embrace it or run for cover and hide?

Those deep brown eyes that see into my soul,
That warm embrace that makes me feel whole,

Am I holding onto a rose that can’t be revived?
Do I power through this storm hoping it will subside?

Is what he feels for me the same as what I feel for him?
Standing on the edge but too nervous to swim.
Hostile freezing waters what lies within?

Is it time to cut the anchor, to break away from the chain?
That is strangling and shackling, my strength I need to regain.

My inner power is screaming, desperate for release,
The sea ready to swallow me, ready for my decease.

Do I sink or swim, do I fight or fly?
Will my power save me or will my fear let me die?

But the moment I hear his voice that strength becomes weak,
In that second he opens his mouth to speak.

He holds my hands, looks into my heart, all my intentions, my promises break apart.

Navigating no mans land I continue to roam, trying to find my map to lead me home.