Is there ever a calm after the storm?

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Living with an eating disorder and constantly trying to mediate a war in the mind is one of the hardest battles to try and overcome.  I hope through my writing you can relate to the pain and struggle that I experienced, but also I hope that in the brief moments you are reading, that all your pain and sorrow melts away.

A switch is flipped and in the blink of an eye,

you hear that  voice you just cannot defy.

The dungeon door slams closed, thrust into his dark room,

it’s oh so familiar, you’re always back too soon.

You ignored the signals and the warning signs,

next arrives the bombs and deathly land mines.

In their wake your soul destroyed,

that loving voice you still avoid.

Drawn like a magnet to the voice of distortion,

all perspective is blown way out of proportion.

behind these actions you are trying to  hide,

in that voice of destruction you seem to confide,

trying to numb these feelings you hold deep inside.

you lower your barrier and let him in,

this is a battle you now cannot win.

As that moment passes and that bubble pops,

you realise your actions, and your heart then drops.

awoken from the trance riddled with guilt and shame,

you’re tangled in his web, he’s won this game.

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SOUL SEARCHING… FINDING HOPE IN THE DARKNESS

When you’re afraid of the dark it’s hard to be brave,

Or see life when digging your own grave.

In the depths of darkness, fear and despair,

It’s hard to remind yourself that you are there.

She feels she’s the monster that everyone fears,

She’s the reason for everyone’s tears.

In order to make a change you have to want to try,

But how do you resuscitate a rose, that’s  beginning to die.

The map is torn into a million parts,

She has no clear direction, or path to start.

Yet creativity can thrive in the darkest of places,

Flowers survive in the muddiest spaces.

Deep in the earth a light shines bright,

Hope is living no matter how slight.

In the flash of a second your perspective can change,

All your thoughts can rearrange.

The hole she was digging was not a grave after all,

She plants a new seed in the ground so her flower grows tall.

Belonging

A free spirit, a lonesome wolf.

He was never mine.

An electrifying touch that brought me to life,

But I fear mine did not do the same for him.

His eyes the ocean, full of stories to tell.

But he never let me in.

I craved to know more, to soothe his soul.

But I was never his.

As the sun sets, the fiery sky fades.

Along with my hope, and my embers stop burning.

He sets off on his path without a wave,

But he was never mine.

Every Other Freckle…

Every freckle, dimple, stretch mark and scar,

Creates the blueprint of who you are.

Knowing in this moment, that you are enough,

No matter how uncomfortable it feels, or tough.

Temples aren’t perfect, they crumble and fall,

You build them back up re erect, their walls.

Years on they deteriorate time and time again,

I’ll patch up the holes and dry off the rain.

Like a forest your canopy walls will grow high,

It’s foundations strong, its roots never die.

Radical acceptance is letting go,

Surrendering and breathing, because deep down you know.

Your body loves you, it’s your best friend,

when your wounds are open it helps you mend.

You stand there and hug your body tight,

you whisper ‘I love you’ let’s end the fight.

The battle is over, I set myself free,

Because no one can take me away from me,

I am exactly where I need to be.

The conflict commenced, I was under my reign.

I was a pawn in my own menacing game.

But I no longer wanted to continue this war,

so I picked myself up off the floor,

My wounds are healed I am no longer sore.

I will accept myself forever more.

I hold the key to unlocking the door,

To sailing my ship safely to shore.

An Ode To My Body

In times of need in my darkest hour,
A unit, an energy, a source of power.
To realizing in this moment that I am enough,
Even when it seems impossible or tough.

Offering kindness and love to fill my gaping hole,
My ally, home, protector of my soul.
You love me when I don’t know how,
When I can’t face my fears, or focus on the now.

The path was winding it was dark and long,
I doubted my decisions, my map was wrong.
I couldn’t choose a direction, or trust which way to go,
I yearned for your guidance and knowledge to know.
You reached out your hand through the storm and rain,
made me feel safe and soothed my pain.

You are the sun through the clouds, a blanket of protection,
When I can’t give it to myself you give me affection.
You are a butterfly morning and a wildflower afternoon,
The twinkling North star, and a radiant full moon.

I know I am the commander of my own ship,
but when I’ve hit a rock you give me the tip,
To meandering the stormy seas and sailing to shore,
to leading myself to safety so I am broken no more.

A cocoon of safety where I can turn the key,
Your nurture allowed me to feel finally free.

They say it’s darkest before the dawn,
A hostile night sky before a clear blue morn.

When I’m at the bottom of the pit and there’s no way out,
you’re soothing whisper drowns those shouts.
You pass me the water that fizzles the fire,
Your detailed map leads me out of the quagmire.

Through the trenches & minefields, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned,
That out of the rabbit hole hope always returns.

I’ll steer my ship no matter how strong the storm,
Fear tried to freeze my heart but it will always be warm.
It tried to sink me to the bottom of the sea,

But no one can take me away from me.

Balance

A word so foreign, a principle I do not follow,

I’m either at the top, or in the ground so hollow.

A life of excess, or nothing at all,

flying high or hit rock bottom and fall.

Doing everything perfect until you run out of steam,

or can’t even get dressed, get washed or clean.

Life becomes unmanageable as the scales tip to one end,

the tapestry unravels, as you start to descend.

Down the rabbit hole, into this place so alone,

Yet a place so familiar, you almost feel at home.

 

 

 

 

 

Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is like entering a maze,
With twists and turns and so many ways.
You start by taking the path of low self esteem,
You feel stuck, you feel trapped and caught between-
Wanting to change but not knowing how,
So why even try I might as well give up now.

They tell you to be patient, that the journey is long,
That there’s obstacles and quagmires but you need to stay strong.
Yet they don’t know what it’s like to be on a tight rein,
To live as a pawn in his menacing game.
They start preaching this bullshit to live and let go,
If they knew what I was going through they wouldn’t say so.

As the path continues, the resistance overpowers,
And while they babble on about recovery for hours and hours –
You’re not paying attention to them, you’re listening to him,
‘Ignore what they are saying, don’t let them in’.
Why are they ‘pretending that its not about food-
The hypocrisy is maddening, its so unbelievably rude.’
‘Obviously they restrict and want to be thin,
don’t let them brainwash you don’t let them win.’

As the path leads to another, this next one you take,
Is of self -destruction and many mistakes.
You isolate others, you torture your soul,
Because he warned don’t succumb, so you do as your told.
But this part of the maze serves no purpose you need to get out,
You’re claustrophobic you’re frightened but you’re too paralysed to shout.
‘Why even try’ he whispers ‘you’ll obviously fail’
So you continue down this desolate and gloomy trail.

You come to another with brambles and thorns,
Cold and deceiving he continues to warn.
This time however you’ve had enough,
You need to be free of these deadly hand- cuffs
In that swift moment you take a chance,
You snap out of his spell, and away from his trance.
You follow the sign that leads to the light,
You have nothing to lose, its in your sight.
Their voices get louder as they praise your steps,
No looking back now no regrets.

This next path is the hardest, because now you’re aware,
Of his tricks and mind games and evil stare,
How he distorts your reflection and creates a smoke screen,
Alters your reality so its not as it seems.
But you still want to latch on with just a bit of your strength,
Fear wants him to remain just at arms length.
Without him who are you? Who is at your core?
Without him you don’t know, you’re not really sure.

But never the less, you continue to push on ahead,
And swap the path of self loathing to self- discovery instead.
Their words of wisdom begin to sink in and resonate-
You’re worthy, you’re loved, you’
re not full of hate.
You deserve to be happy, to spread your wings and fly,
Leave him behind now its time to say goodbye.

You can see the sun shining bright in the sky,
You want more than anything to be able to try.
So you look down at your body and hug it tight,
You tell it you’ll protect it, and treat it right.
You speak to your wellness warrior deep within,
You whisper we got this, we know we can win.
Enthusiastic, you set forth on the road to restoration,
An adventure of freedom and separation,
It’s all about the journey and not the destination.