An Ode To My Body

In times of need in my darkest hour,
A unit, an energy, a source of power.
To realizing in this moment that I am enough,
Even when it seems impossible or tough.

Offering kindness and love to fill my gaping hole,
My ally, home, protector of my soul.
You love me when I don’t know how,
When I can’t face my fears, or focus on the now.

The path was winding it was dark and long,
I doubted my decisions, my map was wrong.
I couldn’t choose a direction, or trust which way to go,
I yearned for your guidance and knowledge to know.
You reached out your hand through the storm and rain,
made me feel safe and soothed my pain.

You are the sun through the clouds, a blanket of protection,
When I can’t give it to myself you give me affection.
You are a butterfly morning and a wildflower afternoon,
The twinkling North star, and a radiant full moon.

I know I am the commander of my own ship,
but when I’ve hit a rock you give me the tip,
To meandering the stormy seas and sailing to shore,
to leading myself to safety so I am broken no more.

A cocoon of safety where I can turn the key,
Your nurture allowed me to feel finally free.

They say it’s darkest before the dawn,
A hostile night sky before a clear blue morn.

When I’m at the bottom of the pit and there’s no way out,
you’re soothing whisper drowns those shouts.
You pass me the water that fizzles the fire,
Your detailed map leads me out of the quagmire.

Through the trenches & minefields, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned,
That out of the rabbit hole hope always returns.

I’ll steer my ship no matter how strong the storm,
Fear tried to freeze my heart but it will always be warm.
It tried to sink me to the bottom of the sea,

But no one can take me away from me.

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Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is like entering a maze,
With twists and turns and so many ways.
You start by taking the path of low self esteem,
You feel stuck, you feel trapped and caught between-
Wanting to change but not knowing how,
So why even try I might as well give up now.

They tell you to be patient, that the journey is long,
That there’s obstacles and quagmires but you need to stay strong.
Yet they don’t know what it’s like to be on a tight rein,
To live as a pawn in his menacing game.
They start preaching this bullshit to live and let go,
If they knew what I was going through they wouldn’t say so.

As the path continues, the resistance overpowers,
And while they babble on about recovery for hours and hours –
You’re not paying attention to them, you’re listening to him,
‘Ignore what they are saying, don’t let them in’.
Why are they ‘pretending that its not about food-
The hypocrisy is maddening, its so unbelievably rude.’
‘Obviously they restrict and want to be thin,
don’t let them brainwash you don’t let them win.’

As the path leads to another, this next one you take,
Is of self -destruction and many mistakes.
You isolate others, you torture your soul,
Because he warned don’t succumb, so you do as your told.
But this part of the maze serves no purpose you need to get out,
You’re claustrophobic you’re frightened but you’re too paralysed to shout.
‘Why even try’ he whispers ‘you’ll obviously fail’
So you continue down this desolate and gloomy trail.

You come to another with brambles and thorns,
Cold and deceiving he continues to warn.
This time however you’ve had enough,
You need to be free of these deadly hand- cuffs
In that swift moment you take a chance,
You snap out of his spell, and away from his trance.
You follow the sign that leads to the light,
You have nothing to lose, its in your sight.
Their voices get louder as they praise your steps,
No looking back now no regrets.

This next path is the hardest, because now you’re aware,
Of his tricks and mind games and evil stare,
How he distorts your reflection and creates a smoke screen,
Alters your reality so its not as it seems.
But you still want to latch on with just a bit of your strength,
Fear wants him to remain just at arms length.
Without him who are you? Who is at your core?
Without him you don’t know, you’re not really sure.

But never the less, you continue to push on ahead,
And swap the path of self loathing to self- discovery instead.
Their words of wisdom begin to sink in and resonate-
You’re worthy, you’re loved, you’
re not full of hate.
You deserve to be happy, to spread your wings and fly,
Leave him behind now its time to say goodbye.

You can see the sun shining bright in the sky,
You want more than anything to be able to try.
So you look down at your body and hug it tight,
You tell it you’ll protect it, and treat it right.
You speak to your wellness warrior deep within,
You whisper we got this, we know we can win.
Enthusiastic, you set forth on the road to restoration,
An adventure of freedom and separation,
It’s all about the journey and not the destination.

The Tidal waves of soul searching.

My wounds are healing, my scars are less sore,

I feel like myself every day more and more.

The thrashing waves, and once violent sky,

are calm and peaceful as boats sail on by.

Yet in the blink of an eye the calm sea becomes rough,

The sails are less sturdy, the anchor less tough.

The storm returns with a vengeance; its wrath,

destroying all that lies in its path.

She prays and holds onto her body tight,

she protects it with courage and all of her might.

She reminds herself that she commands her own ship,

she takes back control, she tightens her grip.

The sun through the clouds slowly comes into sight,

The eagle soars as he reaches flight.

 

 

 

Who Am I? The Painful Journey Of Self Love and Acceptance

What is self love? It’s a feeling I lack,

After years of war and facing attack.

This feeling i’m immune to, its foreign and wrong,

This is a feeling for someone brave and strong.

To love oneself should be an unspoken rule,

Yet I have to teach myself how like a child at school.

I tell myself: I’m not perfect I am me and that’s ok,

I’m where I need to be, i’m going my own way.

No one else’s path matters, focus on your own direction,

looking at what others are doing wont bring me affection,

wont make love return; a resurrection.

 

One mind, one body, one spirit, one soul,

With love and acceptance as a guide, a goal.

But a dichotomy lies, a war of the mind,

One born out of hate, the other one kind.

Who wins the battle, who will reign?

Just an innocent by stander in this gnarly game.

Where do you turn, which route do you go?

When one voice cries sabotage yet the other screams no.

Will you wither and die or will you flourish and grow?

This answer is something you really don’t know.

All the while reaching out as this standoff commences,

a battle of two minds deep in the trenches.

Is there a way out will you make the right choice?

In the midst of the chaos can you find your own voice?

The one of love, of guidance not fear,

The one that reminds you softly ‘I am here’.