The Tidal waves of soul searching.

My wounds are healing, my scars are less sore,

I feel like myself every day more and more.

The thrashing waves, and once violent sky,

are calm and peaceful as boats sail on by.

Yet in the blink of an eye the calm sea becomes rough,

The sails are less sturdy, the anchor less tough.

The storm returns with a vengeance; its wrath,

destroying all that lies in its path.

She prays and holds onto her body tight,

she protects it with courage and all of her might.

She reminds herself that she commands her own ship,

she takes back control, she tightens her grip.

The sun through the clouds slowly comes into sight,

The eagle soars as he reaches flight.

 

 

 

Who Am I? The Painful Journey Of Self Love and Acceptance

What is self love? It’s a feeling I lack,

After years of war and facing attack.

This feeling i’m immune to, its foreign and wrong,

This is a feeling for someone brave and strong.

To love oneself should be an unspoken rule,

Yet I have to teach myself how like a child at school.

I tell myself: I’m not perfect I am me and that’s ok,

I’m where I need to be, i’m going my own way.

No one else’s path matters, focus on your own direction,

looking at what others are doing wont bring me affection,

wont make love return; a resurrection.

 

One mind, one body, one spirit, one soul,

With love and acceptance as a guide, a goal.

But a dichotomy lies, a war of the mind,

One born out of hate, the other one kind.

Who wins the battle, who will reign?

Just an innocent by stander in this gnarly game.

Where do you turn, which route do you go?

When one voice cries sabotage yet the other screams no.

Will you wither and die or will you flourish and grow?

This answer is something you really don’t know.

All the while reaching out as this standoff commences,

a battle of two minds deep in the trenches.

Is there a way out will you make the right choice?

In the midst of the chaos can you find your own voice?

The one of love, of guidance not fear,

The one that reminds you softly ‘I am here’.

 

 

 

Love Is A Battle Field…

img_1840He pulls away you latch on more,
The unknown is painful your past wounds are sore.

Not knowing if you’re worthy or enough,
The sea is rocky the storm is tough.

In no mans land without a map,

Do you keep trudging forward or do you head back?

This intensity you feel deep down inside,
do you sit with it,embrace it or run for cover and hide?

Those deep brown eyes that see into my soul,
That warm embrace that makes me feel whole,

Am I holding onto a rose that can’t be revived?
Do I power through this storm hoping it will subside?

Is what he feels for me the same as what I feel for him?
Standing on the edge but too nervous to swim.
Hostile freezing waters what lies within?

Is it time to cut the anchor, to break away from the chain?
That is strangling and shackling, my strength I need to regain.

My inner power is screaming, desperate for release,
The sea ready to swallow me, ready for my decease.

Do I sink or swim, do I fight or fly?
Will my power save me or will my fear let me die?

But the moment I hear his voice that strength becomes weak,
In that second he opens his mouth to speak.

He holds my hands, looks into my heart, all my intentions, my promises break apart.

Navigating no mans land I continue to roam, trying to find my map to lead me home.

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Brief Encounters….

He came into my life like a shining light,

Illuminating the sky in the depths of night.

An angel so pure he flew into my sight,

Lit up the universe, with an energy bright.

A beautiful star that healed my core,

He soothed my wounds like no other before.

A gentle aura, the softest soul,

My broken heart was immediately whole.

His touch electrifying, fireworks when we kissed,

Gone yet never forgotten, but will always be missed.

His eyes the ocean, where I could swim and dive,

His skin the softest sand, making my body alive.

The perfect puzzle, our pieces fit together,

But perhaps nothing pure can last forever.

An enchanted forest, a mystical path,

Our adventure together, I’ll never look back.

A lonesome traveller, his time had arrived,

To take to his trail and leave my side.

An eagle he prepared to spread his wings,

To see whatever his future brings.

I stare at the sea wondering where he is now,

Or if our time together could have been different somehow,

They say its darkest before the dawn,

A dark thundery sky before a clear blue morn.

I think of him fondly, hope our paths cross one day,

And that cemented in my tapestry forever he’ll stay.

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Butterfly Mornings…

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When you wake up to nature’s alarm of tweeting birds and  sunlight beaming through your bedroom window, that is a butterfly morning;  a day with promise in the air, one that makes you want to do something worthwhile, be someone, make yourself proud of the achievements you have accomplished,  and giving you a yearning to achieve more………. that is a butterfly morning.

I have had my fair share of these great mornings, and when I think back to a time when I  truly started to experience this, it would most definitely be during my time living in China.

Arriving in Shanghai for the first time was the beginning of my butterfly morning adventures. Waking up was exciting, I had a thirst for life and the possibilities that every day could bring. Strolling down the street watching passers by, grandparents walking their grandchild to school, local street sellers setting up their stalls, fighting for a taxi and even the strange smells of chinese food wafting in the air made me smile. That is a feeling I long for again and one that I will never forget. Pure happiness and enjoyment in being alive.

A city full of energy where everyone is there for a purpose, to be the best that they can, living each day to its fullest that is Shanghai. Everyone you meet has a smile on their face, wants to talk to you, know your story and share their experiences of life in the magic city so far. Shanghai is most definitely a bubble, it’s its own world sort of detached from reality, When i stepped off the plane I felt like Dorothy stepping  through the gates into Emerald City. I suddenly knew I was meant to be someone, I was meant to leave my mark on this world, be memorable.

Life is a strange thing, everyone gets up in the morning, has a direction, a path that they are on, but so often we forget to stop and appreciate what is going on around us. Moving to London, I have myself got caught up in the rat race of life. Getting onto the tube every day I look round and notice that no one is talking, no one acknowledges each other, people are tired and dreading the day ahead, counting down the minutes till they can get back on the train for their journey home. We all breathe the same air, walk the same streets, live on the same planet, yet seldom do we stop and give each other the time of day. However, the mentality of an expat is completely different, and this is what I found so refreshing living abroad. You become part of a strong tight knit community, with a common thread. Being a ‘laowai’ (alien) in a foreign land, immediately strong bonds are made that are hard to break. You respect people for who they are inside, and find yourself becoming friends with people you potentially never would have done, back home. You become a better version of yourself. My Butterfly mornings turned into wildflower afternoons! For the first time in my life I was comfortable in my own skin.

I definitely left my heart in Shanghai, and somehow feel that I have unfinished business with the crazy city that changed my life. Untill I go back, I dont think ill feel whole again.